Today's 10x3S is:
- Based on the word 'flamingo'
- flamingo. by Senju-HiMe
- Time start, 8:09pm
The bells were ringing, the fire was glowing, even the white puffy snow outside was still falling.
I ran to my mum, and asked her three questions.
What's for dinner - Where's my teddy - When's Aunt Crisha going to get here?
My mother, patient and still as a statue, was being rocked by the chair, back and forth, as she looked out the window at the falling magic.
I tugged on her skirt a bit until she smoothed out my hair and said "Yummy duck, darling."
I ran to the kitchen, my next victim bent over the stove,
Dad! - Where's my teddy -When's Aunt Crisha going to get here?
Teddy? I thought I heard teddy a couple minutes ago, something about being "too HOT and YUMmy"?
Teddy! I exclaimed, and ran to the oven but then in the corner of my eye I caught sight of teddy on a chair by the front door.
Just as I walked over to pick up teddy the door blew open, and in a whirl of white puffy spots there was a tall gangly woman with bright cherry lips, piercing blue eyes, and pink flamingo glasses; Aunty Crisha!
Hi, this is Kay from LadiesWhoCritique. :')
ReplyDeleteIn general, this piece's biggest problem is that it could use more fluency and flow. The narrative voice in this piece is clearly that of a child, which I think you executed very nicely, but the way children speak doesn't always translate comfortably to print. In the first sentence, I don't understand your usage of the word "even" - I'd suggest taking it out and making the making the part about the snow a separate sentence. Later on, "Teddy! I exclaimed, and ran to the oven but then in the corner of my eye I caught sight of teddy on a chair by the front door" might also be better as two sentences. A lot of these sentences tend a bit towards run-ons in that they are TECHNICALLY grammatically okay, but could benefit from being a bit shorter. That will help you achieve the child narrator voice without sacrificing clarity and flow. Hope that helps!
- Kay